Title: Sick Cycle Carousel
Author: Tnbella
Rating: R
Spoilers/Setting: AtS season 4
Summary: Faith can't believe what's become of Wes

Sick Cycle Carousel

If shame had a face it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home it would be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time

I.
Wesley stabbed another human being. He stabbed that fucking junkie. And he did it without blinking or flinching.

What the hell happened to him?

I'm sure I had something to do with his transformation from Prissy Watcher Boy to Mr. I'll-blow-your-fucking-head-off-if-you-cross-me, but it still freaked me the hell out. Wesley was the sane one--an annoying fucker, yeah, but at least he wasn't crazy.

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this

II.
I tried to drown out what he's yelling at me. I had nightmares every night, right after I was thrown in The Clink. And, right now, those nightmares were looking pretty tame compared to the nastiness in his voice. He never had that dark edge to him in my dreams; he was always just straight-up mad.

Wes' words cut through me like the shard of glass I used on him. He knew how to dish it--had to give him that. But I wasn't that angry, lost, little girl anymore, and he was really starting to piss me off. I could feel it rising in me; the powerful jolt of energy, the tickle in the back of my mind. Kill him, Faith, it said.

Fuck knows, Wesley had probably been carrying that shit around with him for years, but feeling the itch was not good.

I fought fucking hard to get where I was, and I wasn't gonna let his little hissy fit change anything. Muscles twitched, blood boiled, and my fists clenched as I felt him move closer.

'Goddammit, Wesley. Stop. Before I do something I'll regret,' I thought to myself just before my patience snapped and I shoved him against the fence--barely stopping myself from pistol whipping the hell out of him to make him shut up.

"See? That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" he said, his voice goin' all soft and gentle.

The fuck? He provoked me? On purpose?!

"It's what you'll need to beat him."

so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good

III.
Shit. Of course. He's using one of those Watcher tactics on me.

Well, sorry, Wes. That's not how I play the game.

And it's then, I realize, we switched roles. He's unstable and I got all reformed and good. Huh. I'd laugh, if it wasn't so fucking sad.

In that moment--when he stabbed the girl--he became me. Well...the old me anyway. Fucking A', everything's messed up.

I've been flipped upside down and spinned around.

I think I want off the ride now...

so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this
sick cycle carousel